She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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