Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize
