i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
