I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
