I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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