Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
