Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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