Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
So much Jack, so little girl.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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