I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
What drink are we having for lunch?
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
this is an emotional support booty call
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
