Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
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