I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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