did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
The feeling are messing with the penis
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
