I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Randomize
