I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
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