I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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