shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
