things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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