My liver just broke up with me...
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
there is puke in my bra ... again
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