Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
i want to swaddle you in tequila
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Randomize
