new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I need to stop coming to work sober
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
