If i could tip my vagina, i would.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
