if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
Fuck appropriateness.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
