I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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