and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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