i think i have two assholes
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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