Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
