My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
