I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
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