drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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