So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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