Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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