I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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