yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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