I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize