Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
