I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
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Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
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I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
I party with great urgency now.
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