just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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