I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
is wine microwaveable?
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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