nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
