Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
