the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
