Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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