I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
