she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
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I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
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Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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