I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
