Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
