I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
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My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
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When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
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