dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
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