hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
