I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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