We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
