I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Drake has all the answers
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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