Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
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