He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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