And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Randomize
