I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
