I've come to the conclusion that as a grad student I would much rather prefer to get laid then get drunk
I think you know full well that a few years ago my stance was the polar opposite
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
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