my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
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