yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
