I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
