im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
